The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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