Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
