The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
