My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
