Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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