i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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