ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
