First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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