We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
