mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
