i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
