i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
