I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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