Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
