if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
