I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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