i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
