I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
