I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
