Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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