True but thats because hes a fetus.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
