You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
