i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
third nipple confirmed
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
