I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
A+ Viking dick
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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