Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
