I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
