the condom got lost in my hair
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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