she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
