I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Pants are for mortals
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
