he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
