What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
