but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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