shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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