I can text with my tongue
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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