i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
