the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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