mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
