non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
