dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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