In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
