I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
