I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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