lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
