my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
