You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
