haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
