So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
