In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
