I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
