He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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