apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
